And after a shit day...

An absolutely horrible day. I have two options: watch a terribly sad movie and cry my eyes out, or find something uplifting. In the past, it has ALWAYS been the prior. But tonight I found something that took my mind off things, and gave me hope for myself, for others, for this damn world.

"And I want to play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath, and massage your neck. And kiss your face, hold your hand, and go for a walk. Not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day. Talk about your day and laugh at your, your paranoia. I give you takes you don't even listen to, watch great films, watch terrible films. And tell you about the tv-program I saw the night before and not laugh at your jokes. I want you in the morning, but let you sleep for a while. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your hair, your neck. Sit on the steps, smoking, 'til your neighbors come home. Sit on the steps smoking until you come home. Worry when you're late, and be amazed when you're early. I'd give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance. Be sorry when I'm worried and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever. Hearing your voice in my ear, feeling your skin on my skin, and get scared when you're angry. I tell you you're beautiful, hold you when you're anxious, hold you when you're hurt, want you when I smell you, offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you. Whimper when I'm not. Smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't. Melt when smile, dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you, and wonder how you could ever think I'm rejecting you. And wonder who you are, but I accept you anyway. And tell you about the tree angel, the enchanted forest boy who flew across the whole ocean just because he loved you. I'd buy you presents you don't want and take them away again. And ask you to marry me, and you say no again but I keep on asking because you don't think I mean it but I always have from the first time I asked you. I wander the city thinking. It's empty without you but I want what you want and think. I'm losing myself. But I'll tell you the worst of me but try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less. Answer your questions when I'd rather not, tell you the truth when I really don't want to, and try to be honest because I know you prefer it. And think it's all over, but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life. Forget who I am and let me try to get closer to you. And somehow, somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-emcompassing, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you."

The video can be viewed here on youtube. 

Low expectations.

It's become fact. I don't expect much from people; young or old. I don't expect anything that isn't obvious.

People can be such assholes. I make a point to never make enemies, because it just doesn't set well with me. And now I know I have a few, and I hate that. I hate that people feel the need to talk behind each others back. Where is the fucking trust? The truth? The sincerity?

And on top of this I know my friends want to look out for me, but trying to make me feel guilty about my bad habits isn't the solution. It makes me feel like shit, which makes me want a cigarette ten times more. Perpetual, is what it is. 

Apparently, last night some douche bags tore down all the name tags on the doors in the LGBTA living community downstairs. We have a strict 'No place for hate' policy here, and I find that act appalling. How could someone in a community like this be so judgemental? I hate it.   

My roommate and I were watching some really good movies last night, I'd recommend them both to anyone who is mature enough to understand them (and see past all the sex and drug content). Imaginary Heroes and The Rules of Attraction. Anyways, the movies portray a lot of kids our age doing heavy drugs and sleeping around without a care. My roommate asked me if shit like that actually happened... and I told her it does. Especially in schools know for drug abuse. She seemed a bit overwhelmed by the idea. Mind you everything was in excess and completely crazy, but it DOES happen.

I'm tired of the drunk bitches every weekend. I'm tired of the guys who think they need to prove themselves with sex. I'm tired of playing the part that this college is getting out of me! I am myself, I will always be what I want to be. And I am making that more and more obvious to people every day.  

I'm STILL not a hypochondriac.

But I was just reading up on sleeping disorders because I'm having an extremely hard time staying awake during the day, even with 7+ hours of sleep every night. 

My doctor is already aware of the fact that I suffer from mild depression. And I know that I have some form of ADD/ADHD.

What I didn't realize was that narcolepsy often ties in to depression and sleepiness during the day. Obviously this is only the case when you are getting enough sleep and still constantly tired.

Not only did I find all this out, but I found out ALL of it can be treated with ONE medication.

Only problem is, methamphetamine is also the primary ingredient in cocaine. 

I can feel it.

I always get depresses after seeing a really good movie, going to an awesome concert, or reading a really good book (see last entry).

This time isn't as bad, mostly because I know the next to books are on their way in the mail as I type this.

But still. I don't know exactly why I get this way...

I think it may have something to do with the fact that, deep down, I am either jealous of the characters or of the author (or the musicians/actors/characters). It's one of those things that you just can't help. So today I'm going to the mall and the gym to get my mind off things, and tomorrow there is going to be an amazing party. I just want to be happy.

I finished Twilight...

It's 12:04 am.

I finished the book in one day.

Despite classes and meals and a trip to the gym.

I think I only used a bookmark twice today.

It really was a book I couldn't put down!

I liked it far more than I anticipated... from what I gathered online I thought it was overrated.

I haven't loved a (new) book that much since I first read The Perks or Being a Wallflower.

Or Harry Potter. Or Running With Scissors. Or Invisible Monsters.

I guess I have a new top 5!

Apparently Edward Cullen is completely my type...aside from the vampire thing I suppose, but like Bella I could overlook it. He's old fashioned (or actually just old...) and breathtaking, stoic and strong, smart, I could go on but you know the type.

I also related to Bella a lot. Not the divorced parents or moving around. More like the fact that she was modest and not quite assured of what people saw in her, but not too much so - she didn't want to put a paper bag over her head or anything, but she still didn't understand peoples' feelings towards her. She was more affraid of needles than of Edward, as I would be. She loved books even more than music, as I do - though I'm sure she reads more of the classics. I'm probably nearly as pale as some of the Cullen's in the winter, and yet in the summer the only color i get is highlights in my hair.  And, of course, the fact that my mother always told me I was an 'old soul'. I was always wise and witty for a child, not to mention I had a few grey hairs at eight. I liked that we had that in common, you don't hear that alot.

Anyways, finally going to bed.

I ordered the next two books in the series.

They should be here in a week or so...I don't want to wait that long.

Perhaps I'll actually study.