Fear and Pessimism.

I fear love nearly as much as I fear death; which is more than anything in the world.

I fear death of others more than death of myself, though the ending and uncertainty of it all kills me (figuratively, I didn't mean it as a joke.)

I fear love because of death. Death can claim the people you love. Your "one true love" even.

I realize why I hate romance movies. I hate not having what they have, but I fear what they have even more.

"Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet."

Titanic: a story with an ending. was it happy? NO.

I let myself do this, though I don't know why. 

Breathe in. Exhale. 

More than just a "rut"

So, I started seeing a psychologist through school...I think I've said that before, along with how 99% of what he guesses about me or tells me is true and makes perfect sense. He guess what my parents were like. He guess what I was like in a lot of ways. Hell, he told me what I was like even though on some level I already knew...

I have to go get tested for ADHD. I could skip that and go right to medication if I wanted, but if I get the testing done I would get disability and accommodations at school.

My mom has mixed feelings. . . she feels like employers would look down on me for my "disability".

Sorry, what? It's not like I'm severely disabled. I have a bit of a fucking concentration problem! Get over it. 

It's like a weight is off my chest now that this is in the air...

but he gave me a few pages of information to read - yeah, okay. Cause reading through packets of info is totally my strong suit! Ahem, what have we just established? Oh, right. 

Anyways. Time to attempt to study for a test on Thursday. Other than that "weight off my chest" - today was a completely SHIT day. Completely. And I don't know how my mood can fluctuate so much in a matter of hours. Ugh. More issues to iron out of my system.

Like a Drug...

Books really are my drug of choice. I go through withdrawal when I finish a good series. The longer the series, the harder it is to part with it. 

When I read Twilight, I had this feeling that I should just stop with the first one. It left off at a good enough point that I could have walked away, unscathed. 

But I've now finished three of the four books (Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse) and I obviously can't stop there.

I need to buy Breaking Dawn as soon as possible. What an addict I am. I'm going to get it from the mall tomorrow after work if I can. 

I just finished Eclipse tonight, and, were it not for the dreadfully sad epilogue, I would have loved the ending. I think it might be my favorite, though I was much more content with the ending of Twilight.

I now need to read the last installment, I know it will be my 'last fix' so to speak. I need to know what happens, and I want to know as soon as possible, but at the same time I'm afraid to know the ending, especially if I don't like it. And even if I do, it will be over too soon.

I know it's ridiculous, but books can break my heart, no lie. Maybe not as much as people, but my compassion breaches barriers of fiction and reality. I will feel emotions for people and characters, regardless of how fictional they may be.

The illustration is not mine. I don't know who did the editing.

Trial and Error Counseling:

Really I shouldn't have been so judgemental of the concept of seeking a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist/etc. I saw a psychologist once, and all she did was ask me what was new, how my day went, and so on.

I had my first meeting with a psychologist at school today (they have an entire building that is called the Counseling Center, and it is located just around the corner from my dorm). It was better than I expected, first of all. He asked important questions. He asked questions I hadn't thought of. He pointed things out to me, he got me to open up. My last therapist didn't do any of that!

I never knew just why I was depressed. But after one hour-long session, he said that I am most likely depressed because; procrastination and lack of concentration lead to anxiety, which can lead to depression over a long time. YES. That's exactly it! Given that there are other factors that come into it - very random ones - he hit the nail on the head.

I gave him real answers. And he was honest with me, not just scribbling on the notepad the whole time.

I'm off to work now, I can't wait to see all the kids!

Twilight.

Random things I want to blurt out:

-In Eclipse,  Edward says he was accepted to "Syracuse. . . Harvard. . . Dartmouth..."

     Edward Cullen applied and was accepted to my college.   

     And yes, it is plenty dark/rainy/cloudy here. 

-The character Leah constantly gets screwed over! I find it kind of funny, and kind of sad...because now I have a bunch of really depressing facebook flair with my name on it. And of course I added them to my profile. "And everyone lived happily ever after. Except Leah." Great one!

-I'm going to finish Eclipse tonight, and I have to go buy Breaking Dawn ASAP.

-I somewhat ruined the ending for myself long ago. . . wikipedia told me everything before I had even began Twilight. 

-I can't wait for the movie(s), I'm thinking about going on opening night! :D

Off too read! Dull day, weird mood, i don't know.