Everything you Thought was Wrong.

I hate those days when you realize this. That moment when you know, you've been convinced that you thought, felt, or meant something and suddenly you realized that you'd conned yourself. You've warped all those thoughts and feelings in your head just to try and get some peace of mind.

I'm telling you now, it never lasts. Sometimes days, sometimes years, but never forever.

You could have a list of pros and cons; the list could be completely cons, (which you want. You want to be uninterested in this anyways, so cons are what you're looking for.) you may not be able to think of something positive, but something intangible is there. Not something you can write down. And as much as you hate it, it outweighs all of the cons, completely.

I never want to fall in love. Or at least, sometimes I feel this way. Because I started to think...if simple emotions like this are already coming up, what would happen if the person I was in love with hurt me? There is no worse pain in the world. I used to think "well, if they hurt me I won't love them anymore. Simple as that." Now I'm starting to doubt my own logic because emotions have no logic whatsoever.

I envy people who live in tragedy and find the good in life. Because here I am, living a good life, and finding tragedy instead.

My type?

A lot of girls know exactly what they like in a guy (or girl, or either, whatever). I didn't think I knew. Apparently I do! So here goes.
-I like guys with charisma and confidence. Sure, shy guys can be cute but I'm not attracted to that really.
-I like a bit of androgyny. It may sound weird, but those tight pants and long hair are a huge turn on. Taking it way beyond that depends on whether or not a person can pull it off.
-I like a sense of humor that I understand and appreciate. My sense of humor is all over the charts, but I'm incredibly sarcastic. I love dry British humor like Monty Python classics and things that are a little 'out there' as well.
-I like originality. I myself do not have a specific style. I am, again, all over the charts. I also love creativity along with that.

Basically, I'm attracted to guys like Noel Fielding (pictured). He's a British comedian with a wicked sense of style. Now if only there were any guys like him in the States! Four more long years of college before I can move away.

note: I do not own the photograph.

Free, and empty.

I have a feeling my life will always be like that. I feel free and happy, but deep down I know I'm missing certain things.

It feels just like when I used to smoke. When I had that cigarette in my fingers, I was happy. The other 95% of the time, I felt horrible.

When I quit, I felt happy 95% of the time, and horrible the other 5%. It was a good decision. But that doesn't keep me from thinking once in a while...'man, i wish cigarettes weren't so bad for you.'

I don't know what I want. Half the time I just want to say 'screw it' and grab a bottle of liquor and drown in it, and the other half of the time I'm proud of myself because I don't.

I don't like being in relationships because of the stress and because I get bored or paranoid (about myself, not the other person) but when I'm not in a relationship I feel like I'm the only person who isn't.

I'm so independent and strong, but sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Deep as any Paper Plate.

I put everything about myself right on the surface. I don't leave people in the dark about who I am at all. So if anyone dare call me shallow or attempt to insult me in a similar fashion, you can expect me to shrug it off. I don't need your approval to be this way. Every single one of my friends are aware of everything that makes me tick.

I'm a mother hen type. Friends have taken to calling me "Mama Leah" because I treat them like kids; not always taking care of them as such, but it's not as if I really am a mother type. I'm just supposedly mature at times.

I aim high. I want the best, whether you think I can have it or not. I want to make lots of money to prove a point and enjoy life. I want to travel and change the world. I want to plan for the future because it makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to.

As much as I aim, I'm ready for the let down. You can't win every battle. I'm prepared to fall.

I will be as wild as I want to be. I can be as civilized as I want as well. I can be goofy and appalling or witty and smart.

So-called "bloggers" talk far too much about themselves. But hey, most people do anyways.

PS - the picture is from Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. January 2008. Right before the passports were needed.

PPS - I'm reading American Psycho and I love it. I've seen the movie a few times so I know what's up. I could ramble for hours about foreshadowing and links to The Rules of Attraction (again, the movie, not the book), but I'll spare you. The book is gruesome and awful and definitely not aimed at women, but it's awesome so far. Yes, I'm taking my time reading for once.