Perhaps,

Perhaps I am a muse.

Often times I feel that I can give all the advice, ideas, and influence away...and keep none for myself. It confuses me. A good idea pops into my head. I try to keep it to myself: write it down, say it, do it. But I generally fall short. 

I can tell you what you should do.

I can give you opinions and ideas.

I can give you the god damn world.

But I can't have any of it for me.

At least I have this blog. And this untitled poem that I wrote:

Words evaporate, dissipate.

When you try to hold on to them, their meanings crumble.

They become distorted.

What you knew in your mind to be so eloquent,

is now garbage. It is worthless.

Words come to me when I cannot understand

what to do with them; or what they do to me.

And so I sigh as they evaporate.

They scatter into thin air, 

perhaps to flutter past my cheek on occasion

whispers in the wind, or from a friend.

The words were never mind to hold.

A Long Time Away.

A lot has happened in my life. Not too much worth writing down for strangers, but my life keeps pushing foward.

Most recent things:

-Finished my first semester of college! 1 down, 7 to go. WOW. Sounds like a lot less time when put that way. I barely made it through, I have to work harder.

-I have been diagnosed with ADHD at a very late age of 18. It would have helped to know at least from the beginning of college if not through all of high school! I snaked by a lot of the time. But I also found out that I may suck at paying attention, but I am smart and have a fairly high IQ. Anyways, they put me on Adderall, low dose to start, but it's making me crazy. Only helping a little, but almost ALL of the side effects are present. I'm kind of scared [also a side effect]. 

-I have friendship and relationship problems. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I am afraid of. But I'm getting lonely and I feel like my heart is making room for people that I'm just not letting in. 

Not exactly the best mood today. But I'll get over it. Good time for a depressing movie.

Obama Rally, continued.

Here are some of the pictures that were published in my school's daily newspaper, all from our rally that made front page news for them :]

In the second picture, I'm in the far back of the crowd. I look awful, so I won't point myself out. 

In the third picture (last black and white one), my friend Josh is dead center, with our other friend Sarah to the right. They were on the opposite side of crowd than me.

Hope. Change. Relief.

This was my first election, and I am extremely proud to say I voted for Obama. In fact, I voted democrat across the board, literally.

About six other friends and I started a rally on the Quad at our school, Syracuse University. When not many people were showing up (we only had a dozen or so) we paraded around and collected people; when we got back to the Quad, hundreds of people had showed up - mostly as a result of us and our screaming, running, singing, etc.

I have some pictures and videos...I'll figure out the videos tomorrow. I forgot my real comera, so I ended up with just my cell phone at midnight on the dark Quad. Oh well, another rally at noon tomorrow!  

You ruined everything.

You tore my life apart, like you were a tiny little thread in a very big sweater, and I don't know how to sew. I guess I'll just have to learn.

On an even greater note;

A boy I knew killed himself. Hung himself while waiting to be tried in court. He was 19. I knew him, and his older brother and mother. They were some of the most fun, entertaining, nice people I've met. I only saw them on the 4th of July, but it was several years in a row. "Friend-of-a-family-friend" kind of thing. 

Out of all the hundreds and hundreds of attempted suicides in that facility in the last 13 years, he was one of only three who had ever succeeded. I really, truly, wish he hadn't. 

Last time I saw him, I didn't remember him. And I didn't say hello. I feel like I may vomit right about now.