And after a shit day...

An absolutely horrible day. I have two options: watch a terribly sad movie and cry my eyes out, or find something uplifting. In the past, it has ALWAYS been the prior. But tonight I found something that took my mind off things, and gave me hope for myself, for others, for this damn world.

"And I want to play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath, and massage your neck. And kiss your face, hold your hand, and go for a walk. Not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day. Talk about your day and laugh at your, your paranoia. I give you takes you don't even listen to, watch great films, watch terrible films. And tell you about the tv-program I saw the night before and not laugh at your jokes. I want you in the morning, but let you sleep for a while. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your hair, your neck. Sit on the steps, smoking, 'til your neighbors come home. Sit on the steps smoking until you come home. Worry when you're late, and be amazed when you're early. I'd give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance. Be sorry when I'm worried and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever. Hearing your voice in my ear, feeling your skin on my skin, and get scared when you're angry. I tell you you're beautiful, hold you when you're anxious, hold you when you're hurt, want you when I smell you, offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you. Whimper when I'm not. Smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't. Melt when smile, dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you, and wonder how you could ever think I'm rejecting you. And wonder who you are, but I accept you anyway. And tell you about the tree angel, the enchanted forest boy who flew across the whole ocean just because he loved you. I'd buy you presents you don't want and take them away again. And ask you to marry me, and you say no again but I keep on asking because you don't think I mean it but I always have from the first time I asked you. I wander the city thinking. It's empty without you but I want what you want and think. I'm losing myself. But I'll tell you the worst of me but try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less. Answer your questions when I'd rather not, tell you the truth when I really don't want to, and try to be honest because I know you prefer it. And think it's all over, but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life. Forget who I am and let me try to get closer to you. And somehow, somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-emcompassing, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you."

The video can be viewed here on youtube. 

Low expectations.

It's become fact. I don't expect much from people; young or old. I don't expect anything that isn't obvious.

People can be such assholes. I make a point to never make enemies, because it just doesn't set well with me. And now I know I have a few, and I hate that. I hate that people feel the need to talk behind each others back. Where is the fucking trust? The truth? The sincerity?

And on top of this I know my friends want to look out for me, but trying to make me feel guilty about my bad habits isn't the solution. It makes me feel like shit, which makes me want a cigarette ten times more. Perpetual, is what it is. 

Apparently, last night some douche bags tore down all the name tags on the doors in the LGBTA living community downstairs. We have a strict 'No place for hate' policy here, and I find that act appalling. How could someone in a community like this be so judgemental? I hate it.   

My roommate and I were watching some really good movies last night, I'd recommend them both to anyone who is mature enough to understand them (and see past all the sex and drug content). Imaginary Heroes and The Rules of Attraction. Anyways, the movies portray a lot of kids our age doing heavy drugs and sleeping around without a care. My roommate asked me if shit like that actually happened... and I told her it does. Especially in schools know for drug abuse. She seemed a bit overwhelmed by the idea. Mind you everything was in excess and completely crazy, but it DOES happen.

I'm tired of the drunk bitches every weekend. I'm tired of the guys who think they need to prove themselves with sex. I'm tired of playing the part that this college is getting out of me! I am myself, I will always be what I want to be. And I am making that more and more obvious to people every day.  

I'm STILL not a hypochondriac.

But I was just reading up on sleeping disorders because I'm having an extremely hard time staying awake during the day, even with 7+ hours of sleep every night. 

My doctor is already aware of the fact that I suffer from mild depression. And I know that I have some form of ADD/ADHD.

What I didn't realize was that narcolepsy often ties in to depression and sleepiness during the day. Obviously this is only the case when you are getting enough sleep and still constantly tired.

Not only did I find all this out, but I found out ALL of it can be treated with ONE medication.

Only problem is, methamphetamine is also the primary ingredient in cocaine. 

I can feel it.

I always get depresses after seeing a really good movie, going to an awesome concert, or reading a really good book (see last entry).

This time isn't as bad, mostly because I know the next to books are on their way in the mail as I type this.

But still. I don't know exactly why I get this way...

I think it may have something to do with the fact that, deep down, I am either jealous of the characters or of the author (or the musicians/actors/characters). It's one of those things that you just can't help. So today I'm going to the mall and the gym to get my mind off things, and tomorrow there is going to be an amazing party. I just want to be happy.

I finished Twilight...

It's 12:04 am.

I finished the book in one day.

Despite classes and meals and a trip to the gym.

I think I only used a bookmark twice today.

It really was a book I couldn't put down!

I liked it far more than I anticipated... from what I gathered online I thought it was overrated.

I haven't loved a (new) book that much since I first read The Perks or Being a Wallflower.

Or Harry Potter. Or Running With Scissors. Or Invisible Monsters.

I guess I have a new top 5!

Apparently Edward Cullen is completely my type...aside from the vampire thing I suppose, but like Bella I could overlook it. He's old fashioned (or actually just old...) and breathtaking, stoic and strong, smart, I could go on but you know the type.

I also related to Bella a lot. Not the divorced parents or moving around. More like the fact that she was modest and not quite assured of what people saw in her, but not too much so - she didn't want to put a paper bag over her head or anything, but she still didn't understand peoples' feelings towards her. She was more affraid of needles than of Edward, as I would be. She loved books even more than music, as I do - though I'm sure she reads more of the classics. I'm probably nearly as pale as some of the Cullen's in the winter, and yet in the summer the only color i get is highlights in my hair.  And, of course, the fact that my mother always told me I was an 'old soul'. I was always wise and witty for a child, not to mention I had a few grey hairs at eight. I liked that we had that in common, you don't hear that alot.

Anyways, finally going to bed.

I ordered the next two books in the series.

They should be here in a week or so...I don't want to wait that long.

Perhaps I'll actually study.

I'm not a hypochondriac...

But I'm sure I suffer from depression and ADD. Not to mention slight OCD.

I was seeing a therapist once a week for a couple months, but it wasn't helping. I don't know if it was because I didn't trust or like her, but I constantly lied to her. Sometimes I wonder if a different therapist would help.

It really does depend on the person, and I don't know what 'type' I am.

I know I don't want medication for depression because I've seen how it fucks people up. However something to help the ADD would be nice. OCD I can live with.

My friend's mother, who I've known since I was five, was talking to me about therapists and depression. When we got to OCD, and I described how I like things in alphabetical order, I eat fruit loops in rainbow-color order, and so on, she simply said, "Leah, what aspects of your life do you feel you lack control in?" And seeing as I was so comfortable I immediately replied, "EVERYTHING!" She laughed and told me that she'd been in therapy for almost 25 years, and that there is nothing wrong with trying out a few different ones.

I know I need help. I'm not crazy, just needy.

All for Moi.

Yeah, I've realized that this blog is completely for me. I'm so awful at remembering things and I misplace written notes daily...so this is my record.

I found out when I'm going to get to travel: the 2010-2011 school year. I'll be a junior.

If all goes well, I'll save up and fly to London. I'd go in the fall semester because it would offer more opportunities for my major. I can take a lot of Communications courses (PHO 581 & COM 527 specifically, as well as anthropology and public relations.) 

I'll get a taste of what I crave!

Then, at the end of the semester, I'll spend Christmas vacation with Julie in South Africa. I'd be home by mid-January. (This is if I don't go visit her sooner, in that case I'd likely be home in December.)

Although this means I won't do a study abroad in Japan, I can still do a year teaching ESL in 2012-2013.

By January 2014, I'll have moved to London.

Five years. Five years from now. I'll be 23 years old. 

That seems so old to me! I mean, it's a great age (awful number if you recall how crazy it makes me), but I feel like from 18 to 23 is such a crucial and crazy amount of time and life!

Am I crazy? Well, yes, but excited and obsessed would be a better observation. I'd rather just move to London now and go to school there, but that won't happen. I'm sitting here, planning everything from finances and travel expenses to what clubs and shops I want to visit. And I won't be in London for another 2 1/2 years. SO LONG! It's worth the wait...but right now I feel like being as impatient as a five year old child. And as obsessed as a pre-teen girl is with a pretty boy. Oh well.

So...seeing as I get free tuition...my estimated cost of travel/programs/living/expenses is:

$20,000. 

And I'm awful at saving money. Though I might take out a loan, I'd rather save up. So... lifeguarding, tutoring, minimum-wage jobs and cutting back on my shopping. Rough.

Realist or Optimist.

I don't care what you call me. I feel like everything I want to do and see, everywhere I want to go, everyone I want to meet...I will. And if I don't, it's my fault. I need to make it happen. Every day I've been growing closer to what I know I want to be. 

I want to work for National Geographic and/or a music magazine like NME or Rock Sound. None of that fashion magazine or Rolling Stone bullshit. National Geographic would take me the places I want to go, where as a music magazine who introduce me to the people I want to meet.

I want to live a memorable life. Something I could brag about. I want to live like a rock star, if only once in a while. I want to get (more) tattoos and dress how I like and date who I like. I want people to be wowed. I want to be wowed. I don't want to live a dull, ordinary life. I just can't have that!

I want to move to London, I'm sure of it. I already have

 to spend the first 22 years of my life (almost 19 down!) here in Syracuse, but I can wait. London is my personality embodied in a city. Punk and modern, old-fashioned and beautiful, big and exciting. It's what I need! Not to mention I'm in love with the culture and their celebrities. I've already disowned the US, I can't believe I'm still here!

Then of course there are places I want and plan to visit soon - Japan, South Africa, and the UK. Japan to teach ESL to adults. I just think that will be an experience for the books. South Africa with my roommate - a place that not many people I know visit, and especially not with an insider view. And of course the UK because I'm simply in awe of it all.

A lot of people think of me as an extreme optimist. My friends probably do, even though they support me through and through. But even if I AM an optimist, I can't think of myself that way. I see myself as a realist...maybe I'm just delusional. But I don't think so. 

*These photographs are not mine!

I'm losing it!

I don't know, specifically, what IT is.

But.

I know some part of me is falling back while new parts take over.

I just have to remember to follow my heart and stay true.

There are now girls like my 'usual' self who are mocking who I am now (I just know it), just like I mocked the girls who I now resemble.

I lead a double life and everyone knows it. I know it.

I guess its possible to incorporate all of me into one super-fun person, but its.... difficult.

The TRUTH.

This is my new tattoo. My first, actually. It reads 'Veritas' which meants 'Truth' in Latin. I think it is beautiful. It's still healing (hence the red glowing effect around it), but the overall experience was much different (and slightly less painful) than I thought. 

I plan on getting more tattoos...but I have to ease my parents into the fact that I already HAVE one first. Wish me luck on that!

If I could...

I would.

I say that a lot, and sometimes really mean it. 

For example: "If I could jump my teacher's bones, I definitely would."

Okay, so even by the very long shot that he managed to find my blog, he'd never know it was about him. But my God...he's gorgeous!

That's one thing I lucked out with in college...amazing (and good-looking) teachers. Aside from some of the crazy old ones, who are just funny to have. I'm dropping Linguistics because it makes me sleepy instantly.

Anyways. More homework to do, more drama to settle. Another day, another dollar spent.

A Photo Blog

So I've decided to finally post some pictures in my blog to show what I've been up to! Click Images to see a larger version. :)

 

Top picture is of me at about midnight. Second is of (from L-r.) Katie, Carly, and Lindsay.

These three photos are of my room. The top is of Julie showing off my awesome bed and decor, Second of my wall and closet, and last of my desk/fridge/tv/movies/etc.

August 30th; Lake Ontario. I brought my roommate Julie to the beach...even though she's used to the ocean down in South Africa!

 This is my cliche photo for the day!

Anyways, I have tons more pictures but this is a little...ohh I don't know. Teaser. Sample. Whatever you want to call it. My facebook and myspace accounts have many more pictures!