Temporary Inner Peace.

The formula to relax in my life:

-Cleaning my dorm

-Organizing my belongings

-Listening to relaxing, classic/rock/folk music.

-Sunlight

I am ready for spring, I am ready for summer. I want to be happy and at peace again.

"Nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering, and the external world."

-Otep

All or None;

When it comes down to it, everything is all or none.

Good or bad.

Happy or sad.

Sick or well.

And now, I believe I've "got it all" in the worst category possible;

-Major Depression

-Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

-Generalized Anxiety Disorder

-Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

-Phobias

The first two are known by my doctors, the other three are more up in the air  though my nurses sure as HELL know I have an needle/injection phobia.

To cheer myself up after a day full of crying, chest pains, and "faking" sick from class, I bought "The IT Crowd series 1 & 2." It's pretty cheap on www.amazon.co.uk; shipping all the way to New York is around $5 - not bad!

And I know I don't blog as much any more, I need to get back into the habit. I have a lot on my mind, a lot on my plate, and even though I'm busy, a quick distraction here or there would be nice.   

Contrast, contradiction.

I always hear the term 'walking contradiction', and apply it to myself.

I smoke, and I go to the gym.

Not to mention, I would give anything to make my dad quit smoking.

I am smart, but I don't try hard to get good grades.

I am the caregiver, the go-to girl for advice.

I can't follow it myself.

I have the thoughts, and not the words. 

I am a hopeless romantic, and yet avoid relationships at all costs.

I am not a hypocrite, just a contradiction. 

Dreaming and Reality.

I rarely remember dreams these days. I recall the reoccurring ones as a child that had me waking with a scream or falling out of bed. I remember a few funny ones, but only bits and pieces. And then last night, I had this dream. These are the details I remember.

I was at school, and I woke up one day and saw that my teeth were cracking and falling out of my mouth. I called my mom, worried, and asked her what to do. She said not to worry, that it happens sometimes when you're sick with (insert weird name here). They would all fall out, and I would have to put them back together. I'd have to put them back in my mouth, and it would hurt, but everything would be okay. I said that I would try, but I wanted to go home and hide from the world with my toothless face. My mom told me that if I stayed at school, in my 'real world', that I would heal faster. 

Wow. At first I just got freaked out about this dream. Then I realized that it was symbolic. More and more so as I picked it apart. The fact that I have braces that are coming off soon hopefully has nothing to do with this.

I go to school only a few miles from home. I like to go home to relax and see my family and my best friend, even though I live in a dorm. Lately I've been losing (not as in misplacing, rather discarding) friends at a growing pace. My roommate said "You know, its ironic that at the beginning of the year you told me how you get new groups of friends often. But you thought this lot would be the 'real' ones. That they would stay. And now you only talk to one or two of them."

Its scary. But my life has been falling apart in little ways for a long time. I know I could control some of it if I tried, but I feel like giving up and crumbling instead. Its too hard, and it hurts to put all this effort in. But according to my dream, I very well need to do so.

Perhaps,

Perhaps I am a muse.

Often times I feel that I can give all the advice, ideas, and influence away...and keep none for myself. It confuses me. A good idea pops into my head. I try to keep it to myself: write it down, say it, do it. But I generally fall short. 

I can tell you what you should do.

I can give you opinions and ideas.

I can give you the god damn world.

But I can't have any of it for me.

At least I have this blog. And this untitled poem that I wrote:

Words evaporate, dissipate.

When you try to hold on to them, their meanings crumble.

They become distorted.

What you knew in your mind to be so eloquent,

is now garbage. It is worthless.

Words come to me when I cannot understand

what to do with them; or what they do to me.

And so I sigh as they evaporate.

They scatter into thin air, 

perhaps to flutter past my cheek on occasion

whispers in the wind, or from a friend.

The words were never mind to hold.

A Long Time Away.

A lot has happened in my life. Not too much worth writing down for strangers, but my life keeps pushing foward.

Most recent things:

-Finished my first semester of college! 1 down, 7 to go. WOW. Sounds like a lot less time when put that way. I barely made it through, I have to work harder.

-I have been diagnosed with ADHD at a very late age of 18. It would have helped to know at least from the beginning of college if not through all of high school! I snaked by a lot of the time. But I also found out that I may suck at paying attention, but I am smart and have a fairly high IQ. Anyways, they put me on Adderall, low dose to start, but it's making me crazy. Only helping a little, but almost ALL of the side effects are present. I'm kind of scared [also a side effect]. 

-I have friendship and relationship problems. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I am afraid of. But I'm getting lonely and I feel like my heart is making room for people that I'm just not letting in. 

Not exactly the best mood today. But I'll get over it. Good time for a depressing movie.

Obama Rally, continued.

Here are some of the pictures that were published in my school's daily newspaper, all from our rally that made front page news for them :]

In the second picture, I'm in the far back of the crowd. I look awful, so I won't point myself out. 

In the third picture (last black and white one), my friend Josh is dead center, with our other friend Sarah to the right. They were on the opposite side of crowd than me.

Hope. Change. Relief.

This was my first election, and I am extremely proud to say I voted for Obama. In fact, I voted democrat across the board, literally.

About six other friends and I started a rally on the Quad at our school, Syracuse University. When not many people were showing up (we only had a dozen or so) we paraded around and collected people; when we got back to the Quad, hundreds of people had showed up - mostly as a result of us and our screaming, running, singing, etc.

I have some pictures and videos...I'll figure out the videos tomorrow. I forgot my real comera, so I ended up with just my cell phone at midnight on the dark Quad. Oh well, another rally at noon tomorrow!  

You ruined everything.

You tore my life apart, like you were a tiny little thread in a very big sweater, and I don't know how to sew. I guess I'll just have to learn.

On an even greater note;

A boy I knew killed himself. Hung himself while waiting to be tried in court. He was 19. I knew him, and his older brother and mother. They were some of the most fun, entertaining, nice people I've met. I only saw them on the 4th of July, but it was several years in a row. "Friend-of-a-family-friend" kind of thing. 

Out of all the hundreds and hundreds of attempted suicides in that facility in the last 13 years, he was one of only three who had ever succeeded. I really, truly, wish he hadn't. 

Last time I saw him, I didn't remember him. And I didn't say hello. I feel like I may vomit right about now.

Fear and Pessimism.

I fear love nearly as much as I fear death; which is more than anything in the world.

I fear death of others more than death of myself, though the ending and uncertainty of it all kills me (figuratively, I didn't mean it as a joke.)

I fear love because of death. Death can claim the people you love. Your "one true love" even.

I realize why I hate romance movies. I hate not having what they have, but I fear what they have even more.

"Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet."

Titanic: a story with an ending. was it happy? NO.

I let myself do this, though I don't know why. 

Breathe in. Exhale. 

More than just a "rut"

So, I started seeing a psychologist through school...I think I've said that before, along with how 99% of what he guesses about me or tells me is true and makes perfect sense. He guess what my parents were like. He guess what I was like in a lot of ways. Hell, he told me what I was like even though on some level I already knew...

I have to go get tested for ADHD. I could skip that and go right to medication if I wanted, but if I get the testing done I would get disability and accommodations at school.

My mom has mixed feelings. . . she feels like employers would look down on me for my "disability".

Sorry, what? It's not like I'm severely disabled. I have a bit of a fucking concentration problem! Get over it. 

It's like a weight is off my chest now that this is in the air...

but he gave me a few pages of information to read - yeah, okay. Cause reading through packets of info is totally my strong suit! Ahem, what have we just established? Oh, right. 

Anyways. Time to attempt to study for a test on Thursday. Other than that "weight off my chest" - today was a completely SHIT day. Completely. And I don't know how my mood can fluctuate so much in a matter of hours. Ugh. More issues to iron out of my system.

Like a Drug...

Books really are my drug of choice. I go through withdrawal when I finish a good series. The longer the series, the harder it is to part with it. 

When I read Twilight, I had this feeling that I should just stop with the first one. It left off at a good enough point that I could have walked away, unscathed. 

But I've now finished three of the four books (Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse) and I obviously can't stop there.

I need to buy Breaking Dawn as soon as possible. What an addict I am. I'm going to get it from the mall tomorrow after work if I can. 

I just finished Eclipse tonight, and, were it not for the dreadfully sad epilogue, I would have loved the ending. I think it might be my favorite, though I was much more content with the ending of Twilight.

I now need to read the last installment, I know it will be my 'last fix' so to speak. I need to know what happens, and I want to know as soon as possible, but at the same time I'm afraid to know the ending, especially if I don't like it. And even if I do, it will be over too soon.

I know it's ridiculous, but books can break my heart, no lie. Maybe not as much as people, but my compassion breaches barriers of fiction and reality. I will feel emotions for people and characters, regardless of how fictional they may be.

The illustration is not mine. I don't know who did the editing.

Trial and Error Counseling:

Really I shouldn't have been so judgemental of the concept of seeking a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist/etc. I saw a psychologist once, and all she did was ask me what was new, how my day went, and so on.

I had my first meeting with a psychologist at school today (they have an entire building that is called the Counseling Center, and it is located just around the corner from my dorm). It was better than I expected, first of all. He asked important questions. He asked questions I hadn't thought of. He pointed things out to me, he got me to open up. My last therapist didn't do any of that!

I never knew just why I was depressed. But after one hour-long session, he said that I am most likely depressed because; procrastination and lack of concentration lead to anxiety, which can lead to depression over a long time. YES. That's exactly it! Given that there are other factors that come into it - very random ones - he hit the nail on the head.

I gave him real answers. And he was honest with me, not just scribbling on the notepad the whole time.

I'm off to work now, I can't wait to see all the kids!

Twilight.

Random things I want to blurt out:

-In Eclipse,  Edward says he was accepted to "Syracuse. . . Harvard. . . Dartmouth..."

     Edward Cullen applied and was accepted to my college.   

     And yes, it is plenty dark/rainy/cloudy here. 

-The character Leah constantly gets screwed over! I find it kind of funny, and kind of sad...because now I have a bunch of really depressing facebook flair with my name on it. And of course I added them to my profile. "And everyone lived happily ever after. Except Leah." Great one!

-I'm going to finish Eclipse tonight, and I have to go buy Breaking Dawn ASAP.

-I somewhat ruined the ending for myself long ago. . . wikipedia told me everything before I had even began Twilight. 

-I can't wait for the movie(s), I'm thinking about going on opening night! :D

Off too read! Dull day, weird mood, i don't know. 

OH. AND.

My mother was comparing me to the patient on House tonight.

A 42-year-old photographer who was divorced and had her gay friend be a sperm donor so that she could have a baby. 

I looked at her, and then realized that would probably be me in...oh god...24 years. Old. Alone. But artistic and holding onto the one thing that could fill a hole in my heart. Only I would rather adopt.

I suppose I gave up on relationships before i ever gave them a chance. Just another phobia on my list. There's something about giving your heart away and trusting someone else to keep it safe that scares me. 

I've given up on a lot of things, which is why i am so dedicated on my career goals. I hate being that girl.

Undecided isn't Neutral, it's Confused.

I've never fallen back into depression so quickly.

Maybe I've just been kidding myself the last few weeks.

At this point I don't know who to trust; my friends or family.

My mom wants me to distance myself from my high school friends, and meet new people at school.

Mostly she wants me to meet a boy.

She thinks I'm depressed now because of my friends, she thinks they are keeping me down.

She's completely right.

But I can't blame them for everything. And you can't choose the people you love.

I can't bring myself to meet all new friends right now.

What's the point?

I'll be in this town for three and a half more years (give and take for semesters abroad in between), so why change my group of friends?

I thought I had finally found the people who loved me for who I was.

But EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART LATELY.

My friends are one of the major reasons I take anti-anxiety pills that aren't mine.

My mom is usually right about these kinds of things though.

Last time something like this happened, I stopped being friends with the person who was causing all the anxiety.

And she thinks its happening again.

I don't want it to happen. I don't want to believe her.

I can't keep losing. it's not fair.

But, unlike me, my mother is a realist.

"You're only 18." They tell me.

I don't want my life to be a waste. I can't have it fly by, uninterestingly. I can't go with the flow and just let life come at me. I don't want to take it in strides.

Sometimes people don't believe in me. Sometimes they don't believe in the world. But hell, I believe in myself enough to not give a damn about the world.

I've got a hole in my heart that doesn't belong to me.

Is there a word for this? I take on people's emotions and absorb them. Whether it be my friends, someone I've met, or a character in a book or movie (be it fiction or non-fiction). . . I simply feel too much for them. 

I've got holes in my heart that I don't deserve.

I've got wounds that weren't directed at me. 

This goes beyond sympathy or empathy. . . things stick with me and while I don't think about them, deep down I do remember them. And every time someone or something new stabs at me, it's all that much worse.

Maybe its a mix of depression and compassion. How the hell does that work? I've tried to look this up, but what do you look under? 'Painfully Compassionate'?? Compassion is supposed to make you happy too. 

I'm writing this as I google. I'm an internet-savvy hypochondriac. And the closest thing I have found is 'compassion fatigue' but that's still not quite it. 

I can't find anything that fits. If you know what I'm talking about, please comment! It would help.

Outsider.

I spent Monday night at home because I had tuesday off from school. My mom is sick and has about a week or two off of work, so I spent Tuesday with her, and doing homework, stopped by my old high school, and hung out with one of my best friends (we watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall because I'm obsessed with Russell Brand and luckily it was good!).

Anyways. Monday night, I felt foreign. I had to pack to go home...and when I slept in my bed I felt like I was staying in a guest room. It was so quiet, I could hear crickets. I'm used to the sound of cars, horns, and people at all hours now. But at home I was surprised if I heard my dog's collar jingle in the backyard while I lay in bed.

It was just strange, to put it simply. Nothing will ever be the way it was.

But that's fine, seeing as I have such big plans.

And after a shit day...

An absolutely horrible day. I have two options: watch a terribly sad movie and cry my eyes out, or find something uplifting. In the past, it has ALWAYS been the prior. But tonight I found something that took my mind off things, and gave me hope for myself, for others, for this damn world.

"And I want to play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath, and massage your neck. And kiss your face, hold your hand, and go for a walk. Not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day. Talk about your day and laugh at your, your paranoia. I give you takes you don't even listen to, watch great films, watch terrible films. And tell you about the tv-program I saw the night before and not laugh at your jokes. I want you in the morning, but let you sleep for a while. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your hair, your neck. Sit on the steps, smoking, 'til your neighbors come home. Sit on the steps smoking until you come home. Worry when you're late, and be amazed when you're early. I'd give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance. Be sorry when I'm worried and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever. Hearing your voice in my ear, feeling your skin on my skin, and get scared when you're angry. I tell you you're beautiful, hold you when you're anxious, hold you when you're hurt, want you when I smell you, offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you. Whimper when I'm not. Smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't. Melt when smile, dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you, and wonder how you could ever think I'm rejecting you. And wonder who you are, but I accept you anyway. And tell you about the tree angel, the enchanted forest boy who flew across the whole ocean just because he loved you. I'd buy you presents you don't want and take them away again. And ask you to marry me, and you say no again but I keep on asking because you don't think I mean it but I always have from the first time I asked you. I wander the city thinking. It's empty without you but I want what you want and think. I'm losing myself. But I'll tell you the worst of me but try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less. Answer your questions when I'd rather not, tell you the truth when I really don't want to, and try to be honest because I know you prefer it. And think it's all over, but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life. Forget who I am and let me try to get closer to you. And somehow, somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-emcompassing, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you."

The video can be viewed here on youtube.