A Long Time Away.

A lot has happened in my life. Not too much worth writing down for strangers, but my life keeps pushing foward.

Most recent things:

-Finished my first semester of college! 1 down, 7 to go. WOW. Sounds like a lot less time when put that way. I barely made it through, I have to work harder.

-I have been diagnosed with ADHD at a very late age of 18. It would have helped to know at least from the beginning of college if not through all of high school! I snaked by a lot of the time. But I also found out that I may suck at paying attention, but I am smart and have a fairly high IQ. Anyways, they put me on Adderall, low dose to start, but it's making me crazy. Only helping a little, but almost ALL of the side effects are present. I'm kind of scared [also a side effect]. 

-I have friendship and relationship problems. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I am afraid of. But I'm getting lonely and I feel like my heart is making room for people that I'm just not letting in. 

Not exactly the best mood today. But I'll get over it. Good time for a depressing movie.

Obama Rally, continued.

Here are some of the pictures that were published in my school's daily newspaper, all from our rally that made front page news for them :]

In the second picture, I'm in the far back of the crowd. I look awful, so I won't point myself out. 

In the third picture (last black and white one), my friend Josh is dead center, with our other friend Sarah to the right. They were on the opposite side of crowd than me.

Hope. Change. Relief.

This was my first election, and I am extremely proud to say I voted for Obama. In fact, I voted democrat across the board, literally.

About six other friends and I started a rally on the Quad at our school, Syracuse University. When not many people were showing up (we only had a dozen or so) we paraded around and collected people; when we got back to the Quad, hundreds of people had showed up - mostly as a result of us and our screaming, running, singing, etc.

I have some pictures and videos...I'll figure out the videos tomorrow. I forgot my real comera, so I ended up with just my cell phone at midnight on the dark Quad. Oh well, another rally at noon tomorrow!  

You ruined everything.

You tore my life apart, like you were a tiny little thread in a very big sweater, and I don't know how to sew. I guess I'll just have to learn.

On an even greater note;

A boy I knew killed himself. Hung himself while waiting to be tried in court. He was 19. I knew him, and his older brother and mother. They were some of the most fun, entertaining, nice people I've met. I only saw them on the 4th of July, but it was several years in a row. "Friend-of-a-family-friend" kind of thing. 

Out of all the hundreds and hundreds of attempted suicides in that facility in the last 13 years, he was one of only three who had ever succeeded. I really, truly, wish he hadn't. 

Last time I saw him, I didn't remember him. And I didn't say hello. I feel like I may vomit right about now.

Fear and Pessimism.

I fear love nearly as much as I fear death; which is more than anything in the world.

I fear death of others more than death of myself, though the ending and uncertainty of it all kills me (figuratively, I didn't mean it as a joke.)

I fear love because of death. Death can claim the people you love. Your "one true love" even.

I realize why I hate romance movies. I hate not having what they have, but I fear what they have even more.

"Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet."

Titanic: a story with an ending. was it happy? NO.

I let myself do this, though I don't know why. 

Breathe in. Exhale. 

More than just a "rut"

So, I started seeing a psychologist through school...I think I've said that before, along with how 99% of what he guesses about me or tells me is true and makes perfect sense. He guess what my parents were like. He guess what I was like in a lot of ways. Hell, he told me what I was like even though on some level I already knew...

I have to go get tested for ADHD. I could skip that and go right to medication if I wanted, but if I get the testing done I would get disability and accommodations at school.

My mom has mixed feelings. . . she feels like employers would look down on me for my "disability".

Sorry, what? It's not like I'm severely disabled. I have a bit of a fucking concentration problem! Get over it. 

It's like a weight is off my chest now that this is in the air...

but he gave me a few pages of information to read - yeah, okay. Cause reading through packets of info is totally my strong suit! Ahem, what have we just established? Oh, right. 

Anyways. Time to attempt to study for a test on Thursday. Other than that "weight off my chest" - today was a completely SHIT day. Completely. And I don't know how my mood can fluctuate so much in a matter of hours. Ugh. More issues to iron out of my system.

Like a Drug...

Books really are my drug of choice. I go through withdrawal when I finish a good series. The longer the series, the harder it is to part with it. 

When I read Twilight, I had this feeling that I should just stop with the first one. It left off at a good enough point that I could have walked away, unscathed. 

But I've now finished three of the four books (Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse) and I obviously can't stop there.

I need to buy Breaking Dawn as soon as possible. What an addict I am. I'm going to get it from the mall tomorrow after work if I can. 

I just finished Eclipse tonight, and, were it not for the dreadfully sad epilogue, I would have loved the ending. I think it might be my favorite, though I was much more content with the ending of Twilight.

I now need to read the last installment, I know it will be my 'last fix' so to speak. I need to know what happens, and I want to know as soon as possible, but at the same time I'm afraid to know the ending, especially if I don't like it. And even if I do, it will be over too soon.

I know it's ridiculous, but books can break my heart, no lie. Maybe not as much as people, but my compassion breaches barriers of fiction and reality. I will feel emotions for people and characters, regardless of how fictional they may be.

The illustration is not mine. I don't know who did the editing.

Trial and Error Counseling:

Really I shouldn't have been so judgemental of the concept of seeking a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist/etc. I saw a psychologist once, and all she did was ask me what was new, how my day went, and so on.

I had my first meeting with a psychologist at school today (they have an entire building that is called the Counseling Center, and it is located just around the corner from my dorm). It was better than I expected, first of all. He asked important questions. He asked questions I hadn't thought of. He pointed things out to me, he got me to open up. My last therapist didn't do any of that!

I never knew just why I was depressed. But after one hour-long session, he said that I am most likely depressed because; procrastination and lack of concentration lead to anxiety, which can lead to depression over a long time. YES. That's exactly it! Given that there are other factors that come into it - very random ones - he hit the nail on the head.

I gave him real answers. And he was honest with me, not just scribbling on the notepad the whole time.

I'm off to work now, I can't wait to see all the kids!

Twilight.

Random things I want to blurt out:

-In Eclipse,  Edward says he was accepted to "Syracuse. . . Harvard. . . Dartmouth..."

     Edward Cullen applied and was accepted to my college.   

     And yes, it is plenty dark/rainy/cloudy here. 

-The character Leah constantly gets screwed over! I find it kind of funny, and kind of sad...because now I have a bunch of really depressing facebook flair with my name on it. And of course I added them to my profile. "And everyone lived happily ever after. Except Leah." Great one!

-I'm going to finish Eclipse tonight, and I have to go buy Breaking Dawn ASAP.

-I somewhat ruined the ending for myself long ago. . . wikipedia told me everything before I had even began Twilight. 

-I can't wait for the movie(s), I'm thinking about going on opening night! :D

Off too read! Dull day, weird mood, i don't know. 

OH. AND.

My mother was comparing me to the patient on House tonight.

A 42-year-old photographer who was divorced and had her gay friend be a sperm donor so that she could have a baby. 

I looked at her, and then realized that would probably be me in...oh god...24 years. Old. Alone. But artistic and holding onto the one thing that could fill a hole in my heart. Only I would rather adopt.

I suppose I gave up on relationships before i ever gave them a chance. Just another phobia on my list. There's something about giving your heart away and trusting someone else to keep it safe that scares me. 

I've given up on a lot of things, which is why i am so dedicated on my career goals. I hate being that girl.

Undecided isn't Neutral, it's Confused.

I've never fallen back into depression so quickly.

Maybe I've just been kidding myself the last few weeks.

At this point I don't know who to trust; my friends or family.

My mom wants me to distance myself from my high school friends, and meet new people at school.

Mostly she wants me to meet a boy.

She thinks I'm depressed now because of my friends, she thinks they are keeping me down.

She's completely right.

But I can't blame them for everything. And you can't choose the people you love.

I can't bring myself to meet all new friends right now.

What's the point?

I'll be in this town for three and a half more years (give and take for semesters abroad in between), so why change my group of friends?

I thought I had finally found the people who loved me for who I was.

But EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART LATELY.

My friends are one of the major reasons I take anti-anxiety pills that aren't mine.

My mom is usually right about these kinds of things though.

Last time something like this happened, I stopped being friends with the person who was causing all the anxiety.

And she thinks its happening again.

I don't want it to happen. I don't want to believe her.

I can't keep losing. it's not fair.

But, unlike me, my mother is a realist.

"You're only 18." They tell me.

I don't want my life to be a waste. I can't have it fly by, uninterestingly. I can't go with the flow and just let life come at me. I don't want to take it in strides.

Sometimes people don't believe in me. Sometimes they don't believe in the world. But hell, I believe in myself enough to not give a damn about the world.

I've got a hole in my heart that doesn't belong to me.

Is there a word for this? I take on people's emotions and absorb them. Whether it be my friends, someone I've met, or a character in a book or movie (be it fiction or non-fiction). . . I simply feel too much for them. 

I've got holes in my heart that I don't deserve.

I've got wounds that weren't directed at me. 

This goes beyond sympathy or empathy. . . things stick with me and while I don't think about them, deep down I do remember them. And every time someone or something new stabs at me, it's all that much worse.

Maybe its a mix of depression and compassion. How the hell does that work? I've tried to look this up, but what do you look under? 'Painfully Compassionate'?? Compassion is supposed to make you happy too. 

I'm writing this as I google. I'm an internet-savvy hypochondriac. And the closest thing I have found is 'compassion fatigue' but that's still not quite it. 

I can't find anything that fits. If you know what I'm talking about, please comment! It would help.

Outsider.

I spent Monday night at home because I had tuesday off from school. My mom is sick and has about a week or two off of work, so I spent Tuesday with her, and doing homework, stopped by my old high school, and hung out with one of my best friends (we watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall because I'm obsessed with Russell Brand and luckily it was good!).

Anyways. Monday night, I felt foreign. I had to pack to go home...and when I slept in my bed I felt like I was staying in a guest room. It was so quiet, I could hear crickets. I'm used to the sound of cars, horns, and people at all hours now. But at home I was surprised if I heard my dog's collar jingle in the backyard while I lay in bed.

It was just strange, to put it simply. Nothing will ever be the way it was.

But that's fine, seeing as I have such big plans.

And after a shit day...

An absolutely horrible day. I have two options: watch a terribly sad movie and cry my eyes out, or find something uplifting. In the past, it has ALWAYS been the prior. But tonight I found something that took my mind off things, and gave me hope for myself, for others, for this damn world.

"And I want to play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath, and massage your neck. And kiss your face, hold your hand, and go for a walk. Not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day. Talk about your day and laugh at your, your paranoia. I give you takes you don't even listen to, watch great films, watch terrible films. And tell you about the tv-program I saw the night before and not laugh at your jokes. I want you in the morning, but let you sleep for a while. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your hair, your neck. Sit on the steps, smoking, 'til your neighbors come home. Sit on the steps smoking until you come home. Worry when you're late, and be amazed when you're early. I'd give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance. Be sorry when I'm worried and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever. Hearing your voice in my ear, feeling your skin on my skin, and get scared when you're angry. I tell you you're beautiful, hold you when you're anxious, hold you when you're hurt, want you when I smell you, offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you. Whimper when I'm not. Smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't. Melt when smile, dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you, and wonder how you could ever think I'm rejecting you. And wonder who you are, but I accept you anyway. And tell you about the tree angel, the enchanted forest boy who flew across the whole ocean just because he loved you. I'd buy you presents you don't want and take them away again. And ask you to marry me, and you say no again but I keep on asking because you don't think I mean it but I always have from the first time I asked you. I wander the city thinking. It's empty without you but I want what you want and think. I'm losing myself. But I'll tell you the worst of me but try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less. Answer your questions when I'd rather not, tell you the truth when I really don't want to, and try to be honest because I know you prefer it. And think it's all over, but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life. Forget who I am and let me try to get closer to you. And somehow, somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-emcompassing, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you."

The video can be viewed here on youtube. 

Low expectations.

It's become fact. I don't expect much from people; young or old. I don't expect anything that isn't obvious.

People can be such assholes. I make a point to never make enemies, because it just doesn't set well with me. And now I know I have a few, and I hate that. I hate that people feel the need to talk behind each others back. Where is the fucking trust? The truth? The sincerity?

And on top of this I know my friends want to look out for me, but trying to make me feel guilty about my bad habits isn't the solution. It makes me feel like shit, which makes me want a cigarette ten times more. Perpetual, is what it is. 

Apparently, last night some douche bags tore down all the name tags on the doors in the LGBTA living community downstairs. We have a strict 'No place for hate' policy here, and I find that act appalling. How could someone in a community like this be so judgemental? I hate it.   

My roommate and I were watching some really good movies last night, I'd recommend them both to anyone who is mature enough to understand them (and see past all the sex and drug content). Imaginary Heroes and The Rules of Attraction. Anyways, the movies portray a lot of kids our age doing heavy drugs and sleeping around without a care. My roommate asked me if shit like that actually happened... and I told her it does. Especially in schools know for drug abuse. She seemed a bit overwhelmed by the idea. Mind you everything was in excess and completely crazy, but it DOES happen.

I'm tired of the drunk bitches every weekend. I'm tired of the guys who think they need to prove themselves with sex. I'm tired of playing the part that this college is getting out of me! I am myself, I will always be what I want to be. And I am making that more and more obvious to people every day.  

I'm STILL not a hypochondriac.

But I was just reading up on sleeping disorders because I'm having an extremely hard time staying awake during the day, even with 7+ hours of sleep every night. 

My doctor is already aware of the fact that I suffer from mild depression. And I know that I have some form of ADD/ADHD.

What I didn't realize was that narcolepsy often ties in to depression and sleepiness during the day. Obviously this is only the case when you are getting enough sleep and still constantly tired.

Not only did I find all this out, but I found out ALL of it can be treated with ONE medication.

Only problem is, methamphetamine is also the primary ingredient in cocaine. 

I can feel it.

I always get depresses after seeing a really good movie, going to an awesome concert, or reading a really good book (see last entry).

This time isn't as bad, mostly because I know the next to books are on their way in the mail as I type this.

But still. I don't know exactly why I get this way...

I think it may have something to do with the fact that, deep down, I am either jealous of the characters or of the author (or the musicians/actors/characters). It's one of those things that you just can't help. So today I'm going to the mall and the gym to get my mind off things, and tomorrow there is going to be an amazing party. I just want to be happy.

I finished Twilight...

It's 12:04 am.

I finished the book in one day.

Despite classes and meals and a trip to the gym.

I think I only used a bookmark twice today.

It really was a book I couldn't put down!

I liked it far more than I anticipated... from what I gathered online I thought it was overrated.

I haven't loved a (new) book that much since I first read The Perks or Being a Wallflower.

Or Harry Potter. Or Running With Scissors. Or Invisible Monsters.

I guess I have a new top 5!

Apparently Edward Cullen is completely my type...aside from the vampire thing I suppose, but like Bella I could overlook it. He's old fashioned (or actually just old...) and breathtaking, stoic and strong, smart, I could go on but you know the type.

I also related to Bella a lot. Not the divorced parents or moving around. More like the fact that she was modest and not quite assured of what people saw in her, but not too much so - she didn't want to put a paper bag over her head or anything, but she still didn't understand peoples' feelings towards her. She was more affraid of needles than of Edward, as I would be. She loved books even more than music, as I do - though I'm sure she reads more of the classics. I'm probably nearly as pale as some of the Cullen's in the winter, and yet in the summer the only color i get is highlights in my hair.  And, of course, the fact that my mother always told me I was an 'old soul'. I was always wise and witty for a child, not to mention I had a few grey hairs at eight. I liked that we had that in common, you don't hear that alot.

Anyways, finally going to bed.

I ordered the next two books in the series.

They should be here in a week or so...I don't want to wait that long.

Perhaps I'll actually study.

I'm not a hypochondriac...

But I'm sure I suffer from depression and ADD. Not to mention slight OCD.

I was seeing a therapist once a week for a couple months, but it wasn't helping. I don't know if it was because I didn't trust or like her, but I constantly lied to her. Sometimes I wonder if a different therapist would help.

It really does depend on the person, and I don't know what 'type' I am.

I know I don't want medication for depression because I've seen how it fucks people up. However something to help the ADD would be nice. OCD I can live with.

My friend's mother, who I've known since I was five, was talking to me about therapists and depression. When we got to OCD, and I described how I like things in alphabetical order, I eat fruit loops in rainbow-color order, and so on, she simply said, "Leah, what aspects of your life do you feel you lack control in?" And seeing as I was so comfortable I immediately replied, "EVERYTHING!" She laughed and told me that she'd been in therapy for almost 25 years, and that there is nothing wrong with trying out a few different ones.

I know I need help. I'm not crazy, just needy.

All for Moi.

Yeah, I've realized that this blog is completely for me. I'm so awful at remembering things and I misplace written notes daily...so this is my record.

I found out when I'm going to get to travel: the 2010-2011 school year. I'll be a junior.

If all goes well, I'll save up and fly to London. I'd go in the fall semester because it would offer more opportunities for my major. I can take a lot of Communications courses (PHO 581 & COM 527 specifically, as well as anthropology and public relations.) 

I'll get a taste of what I crave!

Then, at the end of the semester, I'll spend Christmas vacation with Julie in South Africa. I'd be home by mid-January. (This is if I don't go visit her sooner, in that case I'd likely be home in December.)

Although this means I won't do a study abroad in Japan, I can still do a year teaching ESL in 2012-2013.

By January 2014, I'll have moved to London.

Five years. Five years from now. I'll be 23 years old. 

That seems so old to me! I mean, it's a great age (awful number if you recall how crazy it makes me), but I feel like from 18 to 23 is such a crucial and crazy amount of time and life!

Am I crazy? Well, yes, but excited and obsessed would be a better observation. I'd rather just move to London now and go to school there, but that won't happen. I'm sitting here, planning everything from finances and travel expenses to what clubs and shops I want to visit. And I won't be in London for another 2 1/2 years. SO LONG! It's worth the wait...but right now I feel like being as impatient as a five year old child. And as obsessed as a pre-teen girl is with a pretty boy. Oh well.

So...seeing as I get free tuition...my estimated cost of travel/programs/living/expenses is:

$20,000. 

And I'm awful at saving money. Though I might take out a loan, I'd rather save up. So... lifeguarding, tutoring, minimum-wage jobs and cutting back on my shopping. Rough.

Realist or Optimist.

I don't care what you call me. I feel like everything I want to do and see, everywhere I want to go, everyone I want to meet...I will. And if I don't, it's my fault. I need to make it happen. Every day I've been growing closer to what I know I want to be. 

I want to work for National Geographic and/or a music magazine like NME or Rock Sound. None of that fashion magazine or Rolling Stone bullshit. National Geographic would take me the places I want to go, where as a music magazine who introduce me to the people I want to meet.

I want to live a memorable life. Something I could brag about. I want to live like a rock star, if only once in a while. I want to get (more) tattoos and dress how I like and date who I like. I want people to be wowed. I want to be wowed. I don't want to live a dull, ordinary life. I just can't have that!

I want to move to London, I'm sure of it. I already have

 to spend the first 22 years of my life (almost 19 down!) here in Syracuse, but I can wait. London is my personality embodied in a city. Punk and modern, old-fashioned and beautiful, big and exciting. It's what I need! Not to mention I'm in love with the culture and their celebrities. I've already disowned the US, I can't believe I'm still here!

Then of course there are places I want and plan to visit soon - Japan, South Africa, and the UK. Japan to teach ESL to adults. I just think that will be an experience for the books. South Africa with my roommate - a place that not many people I know visit, and especially not with an insider view. And of course the UK because I'm simply in awe of it all.

A lot of people think of me as an extreme optimist. My friends probably do, even though they support me through and through. But even if I AM an optimist, I can't think of myself that way. I see myself as a realist...maybe I'm just delusional. But I don't think so. 

*These photographs are not mine!

I'm losing it!

I don't know, specifically, what IT is.

But.

I know some part of me is falling back while new parts take over.

I just have to remember to follow my heart and stay true.

There are now girls like my 'usual' self who are mocking who I am now (I just know it), just like I mocked the girls who I now resemble.

I lead a double life and everyone knows it. I know it.

I guess its possible to incorporate all of me into one super-fun person, but its.... difficult.

The TRUTH.

This is my new tattoo. My first, actually. It reads 'Veritas' which meants 'Truth' in Latin. I think it is beautiful. It's still healing (hence the red glowing effect around it), but the overall experience was much different (and slightly less painful) than I thought. 

I plan on getting more tattoos...but I have to ease my parents into the fact that I already HAVE one first. Wish me luck on that!

If I could...

I would.

I say that a lot, and sometimes really mean it. 

For example: "If I could jump my teacher's bones, I definitely would."

Okay, so even by the very long shot that he managed to find my blog, he'd never know it was about him. But my God...he's gorgeous!

That's one thing I lucked out with in college...amazing (and good-looking) teachers. Aside from some of the crazy old ones, who are just funny to have. I'm dropping Linguistics because it makes me sleepy instantly.

Anyways. More homework to do, more drama to settle. Another day, another dollar spent.

A Photo Blog

So I've decided to finally post some pictures in my blog to show what I've been up to! Click Images to see a larger version. :)

 

Top picture is of me at about midnight. Second is of (from L-r.) Katie, Carly, and Lindsay.

These three photos are of my room. The top is of Julie showing off my awesome bed and decor, Second of my wall and closet, and last of my desk/fridge/tv/movies/etc.

August 30th; Lake Ontario. I brought my roommate Julie to the beach...even though she's used to the ocean down in South Africa!

 This is my cliche photo for the day!

Anyways, I have tons more pictures but this is a little...ohh I don't know. Teaser. Sample. Whatever you want to call it. My facebook and myspace accounts have many more pictures!

Life (without being) on the A-list!

You really don't have to be "on the list".

It's funny, like the stuff of movies. One friend manages to get into a party with a guy, and then gets the rest of her friends in...it works for us!

Frat parties with bouncers and guest lists...it's hysterical.

I've never danced so much in my life! I've never been one to dance.

I'll have to learn not to care that I didn't know any of the guys I danced with, or that they were drunk, or that they never actually asked to dance.

I can choose between the nice guys and the fraternity boys.

I haven't made up my mind yet, maybe some more exploring will do.

But in the meantime, i have a slightly uneasy feeling about rejecting nice guys because "they aren't my type." 

I might rush in the spring. Some people have suggested it. I never have thought of myself as the sorority type...I just hope I don't lose myself to this shit.

New. Old. An Attempt at Balance.

These days have been hectic!

Best friends going away to college, me staring college, making new friends, going out. Doing the typical "college thing". I'm loving it. I love my classes and the people I've met. My room mate is awesome. But I feel like I have to work on balancing my life. 

My old friends are much harder to keep up with compared to people who live on my floor, in my building, and take the same classes as I do.

I've never been good at this balancing act, I don't want to lose anyone. I'm afraid I will. I'm terrified, actually.

Coincidence?

I haven't seen 11:34 since I moved into my dorm.

Not once.

And I've been in my room for about half of them, at least.

So...a sign? 

I think so.

:)

Numb.

In a good way, I suppose.

I feel like everything that is happening is so natural and right.

My dorm, my best friends, my new friends, my school, my whole life...

it's all falling into order.

We all know that I love order, being as OCD as I am. 

I feel like I couldn't be in a more perfect place at this time, and it is taking me where I want to go and helping me to become who I want to be. 

It's crazy.

It's weird.

It's not nearly as overwhelming as I thought it would be.

Classes start Monday. 

Maybe that will open my eyes, maybe it will be just another rung on my ladder.

A New Life!

No, not a baby-sort of new life. Though my aunt did have her first kid about to weeks ago, and the girl is beautiful. 

I'm talking about the starting-new sort of new life. I thought the changes were coming within time, at a steady pace, but these changes have much more of an avalanche feel to them.

I love it.

I'm in my new dorm! Only about 4 twisty turny miles from my home, which is weird. Most people ask my why I don't commute. And of course I say I needed to cut the cord, make it myself (mostly, anyways), and get some space! Which I have.

My friends have already come to check out the dorm. Claire is leaving today for her college which is a few hours away. I'll miss her and her ever-positive attitude. 

This week is hectic - I have no idea how to reserve my books, I have to wait to change one of my classes and it's killing me, and I start on Monday! 

I'm going shopping today with my room mate - who is all the way from Durban, South Africa - and her mother. Should be interesting! 

"The List"

Also known as "the reason I will never be bored with my life and never run out of things to do until the day I die."

I thought that title was a bit long. Anyways. Here are some of my major life goals:

1. Become a world-famous photographer.
2. Travel to every continent, maybe even Antarctica.
3. Live in at least three countries.
4. Become a photographer for Suicide Girls (maybe even become one eventually)
5. Buy a ranch for my parents, they deserve it.
6. Donate to or start a foundation for animal rights/SPCA/etc.
7. Adopt at least one child, even if I have my own.
8. Live my life without lying to myself.
9. Meet as many of the guys on my "I'd marry him" list as possible.
10. Become certified in cosmetology
11. Design my own line of clothes or accessories.
12. Go to the world premier of a movie.
13. Write a book (or two, or a few...)
14. Learn at least three languages (other than English).
15. Fall in love for real, accept their flaws.

Well, I think that's enough for now. You get the idea. I want to do it all, even though it seems like enough for five lifetimes.

11:34 -

Proof that my life is a living hell. (On a digital clock, for those who don't know, 11:34 upside-down and backwards reads 'hell'. 34-11=23, 2/3=.666 etc etc...go watch The Number 23.)

I see this time at least once if not both times in a day. Just a friendly reminder that hell is not to far from home.

Anything that I could write on here would seem petty and insignificant, because I don't know how to show or prove that I'm at my wit's end.

I work 36 hours a week (over 6 days), and my mom works 25 (over 5 days). And yet there is MORE for me to do around the house. She cooks and cleans at work so she refuses to do it at home?

Also, since I work, I have to pay for almost ALL of my own stuff. I've never had an allowance. This is all my money. I have to buy 90% of my own dorm stuff. If I borrow the car, I have to put gas in it. I buy my own clothes (not a shocker) and my parents have already started giving me things I "need" instead of something I might want for my birthdays.

I am turning 18 in 10 days.
I am moving into my college dorm on the 20th of August.
I wish I was estranged from my family sometimes.
Becoming an adult is hell. It is bullshit.
And yet I know that I'm better off than ALL of my friends for it.

Paranoia

We may all know right and wrong,
but none of us know truth or reason.

Dear Blog,

You are my journal.
My escape.
My alternative to telling my friends all of my thoughts.

Don't get me wrong - I tell my friends things. Usually pointless stuff, but that's beside the point. I'm just waiting for the moment I really need to vent...but then again I know some of my friends read this anyways. So I fluff it up with things they know already, or will know eventually.

Last night me and two of my friends were driving around town, and randomly decided to take the two hour drive to Pennsylvania to look for fireworks. However...we got to the state around 11:45 pm. No stores were open, obviously. Only the 24/7 McDonalds and Food Mart were open. So we got food there, turned around, and went home. And it was amazing. 3 1/2 hours of driving for some crappy food but great memories.

One of my friends had this idea to make "summer lists" of what we want to accomplish this summer. Anything from serious and important, to things you've always wanted to do, to pointless fun things. "Random road trip out of state" got crossed off both of our lists last night.

I have a lot of stuff that I NEED to do this summer. And I lot of stuff I have planned on doing anyways. So it feels like I'll never finish my list...and with 28 things left to do, I'd say I need to get going!

These Words are Mine, the Pictures Aren't.

This is how my friend and I described ourselves. (We both watched the Project Runway, so a picture was really worth thousands and thousands of words.) Two very original, spazztic people who were randomly thrown together and created an amazing friendship. It's weird. I love it.

And I really would like to know who created that lovely Karaoke box and microphones in the picture.

On to the next pictures!
So I was thinking about that post a while back about my idea of a perfect man, or at least what I wanted these days, and I remembered another perfect example!

Miyavi is a Japanese musician. He's extremely talented. (That's a video of his guitar playing skills.) He's original and dabbles in all sorts of music from metal to rock to acoustic ballads.

In case you haven't noticed from the picture, he is a bit androgynous and in fact quite feminine looking. However a 6 feet tall and with a body covered in tattoos and piercings, he's my kind of guy.

He speaks English, so I'm not totally delusional? Whatever. I want to steal that hoodie at any rate.

And here's a poster...not that I can read it.

If I am a Clock Then You Are the Time...

The world works in mysterious ways, they tell us.
I think the world works in comical ways.

Routine Disaster

I am not a fan of routine.
Not only that, but I actually try to find a way out of it.
In school, my classes repeated every two days. I got that. I dealt with that.
But my environmental class! Twice every marking period we would do the SAME THING.
(Read chapter. Fill in study guide. Do matching definitions. Take test. Repeat.)
I hated it so much that i just didn't go to class a lot and opted to do extra credit instead.
And now here I am, with a fixed work schedule. I'm only a week or so into work so I can't really say how I like it. All I know is that I couldn't deal with a job with such a specific routine all my life.
Photographers don't have that sort of routine.
I'd rather struggle to get work done (like I did in school) than have a strict routine.
Change is addicting once you get started.

Everything you Thought was Wrong.

I hate those days when you realize this. That moment when you know, you've been convinced that you thought, felt, or meant something and suddenly you realized that you'd conned yourself. You've warped all those thoughts and feelings in your head just to try and get some peace of mind.

I'm telling you now, it never lasts. Sometimes days, sometimes years, but never forever.

You could have a list of pros and cons; the list could be completely cons, (which you want. You want to be uninterested in this anyways, so cons are what you're looking for.) you may not be able to think of something positive, but something intangible is there. Not something you can write down. And as much as you hate it, it outweighs all of the cons, completely.

I never want to fall in love. Or at least, sometimes I feel this way. Because I started to think...if simple emotions like this are already coming up, what would happen if the person I was in love with hurt me? There is no worse pain in the world. I used to think "well, if they hurt me I won't love them anymore. Simple as that." Now I'm starting to doubt my own logic because emotions have no logic whatsoever.

I envy people who live in tragedy and find the good in life. Because here I am, living a good life, and finding tragedy instead.

My type?

A lot of girls know exactly what they like in a guy (or girl, or either, whatever). I didn't think I knew. Apparently I do! So here goes.
-I like guys with charisma and confidence. Sure, shy guys can be cute but I'm not attracted to that really.
-I like a bit of androgyny. It may sound weird, but those tight pants and long hair are a huge turn on. Taking it way beyond that depends on whether or not a person can pull it off.
-I like a sense of humor that I understand and appreciate. My sense of humor is all over the charts, but I'm incredibly sarcastic. I love dry British humor like Monty Python classics and things that are a little 'out there' as well.
-I like originality. I myself do not have a specific style. I am, again, all over the charts. I also love creativity along with that.

Basically, I'm attracted to guys like Noel Fielding (pictured). He's a British comedian with a wicked sense of style. Now if only there were any guys like him in the States! Four more long years of college before I can move away.

note: I do not own the photograph.

Free, and empty.

I have a feeling my life will always be like that. I feel free and happy, but deep down I know I'm missing certain things.

It feels just like when I used to smoke. When I had that cigarette in my fingers, I was happy. The other 95% of the time, I felt horrible.

When I quit, I felt happy 95% of the time, and horrible the other 5%. It was a good decision. But that doesn't keep me from thinking once in a while...'man, i wish cigarettes weren't so bad for you.'

I don't know what I want. Half the time I just want to say 'screw it' and grab a bottle of liquor and drown in it, and the other half of the time I'm proud of myself because I don't.

I don't like being in relationships because of the stress and because I get bored or paranoid (about myself, not the other person) but when I'm not in a relationship I feel like I'm the only person who isn't.

I'm so independent and strong, but sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Deep as any Paper Plate.

I put everything about myself right on the surface. I don't leave people in the dark about who I am at all. So if anyone dare call me shallow or attempt to insult me in a similar fashion, you can expect me to shrug it off. I don't need your approval to be this way. Every single one of my friends are aware of everything that makes me tick.

I'm a mother hen type. Friends have taken to calling me "Mama Leah" because I treat them like kids; not always taking care of them as such, but it's not as if I really am a mother type. I'm just supposedly mature at times.

I aim high. I want the best, whether you think I can have it or not. I want to make lots of money to prove a point and enjoy life. I want to travel and change the world. I want to plan for the future because it makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to.

As much as I aim, I'm ready for the let down. You can't win every battle. I'm prepared to fall.

I will be as wild as I want to be. I can be as civilized as I want as well. I can be goofy and appalling or witty and smart.

So-called "bloggers" talk far too much about themselves. But hey, most people do anyways.

PS - the picture is from Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. January 2008. Right before the passports were needed.

PPS - I'm reading American Psycho and I love it. I've seen the movie a few times so I know what's up. I could ramble for hours about foreshadowing and links to The Rules of Attraction (again, the movie, not the book), but I'll spare you. The book is gruesome and awful and definitely not aimed at women, but it's awesome so far. Yes, I'm taking my time reading for once.

Prom was...

Pretty.
Stereotypical.
Classy and trashy at the same time.
BORING.

We went to Wegmans after prom all dressed up, and the people there loved us.
We bought energy drinks and went back to my friend's house, lounging for a couple hours until the after prom party.
Then we went to the after prom thing for about an hour. There were food, games and inflatable bouncy things (like basketball and a battle-type game), and silent auctions.
I won a laundry basket with lime green hangers and towels...for free. Not bad I guess.
We got bored and went back to Alex's house again.
And woke up today around noon.
All in all the night was good, but a huge pain. Next time I get THAT dressed up, I want it to be for something classy and not for a school function.
But hanging out with my friends is never a dull time, we decorated the minivan that we rode up to prom in, and did things our way.
It's just one of those experiences that you have to get over and done with.

Here's a picture of us in Wegmans. (L-r; Claire, Alex, Nate, Marcus, Pat.)

I Live in the Future.

Maybe it would be more correct to say I live for the future. But my point is, it's all I think about. This is both a flaw and gift, I suppose. I don't dwell on the past - hakuna matata, and all that jazz. I know that deep down I may regret things I've done, but I put it all behind me. And at the same time, I hardly pay attention to the present. I'm always worried about what might happen, what I want to happen, and what could go wrong. I wish I could "live in the present" like a lot of people I know. Then again, maybe it's a good thing I have goals and concerns? I guess I won't know until the time comes.

Doubt.

I always try and rationalize everything.
It never, ever works. Not really.
Maybe I "figure it out" enough to let the topic slip from my mind, but I'll never fully understand some aspects of life.
And although I may obsess over finding a reason, I'm glad I can't.
It's like having one life goal, and completing it. Then what's next?
I avoid this by having goals a-plenty, and questions galore.

The one thing I try to rationalize more than anything else is myself. My opinions, my feelings, my flaws. I try to find the reasons and instead i just come to realize that I am who I am, and I'm alright this way.

People just don't make sense to me. I don't make sense to myself. I know that humans are complicated, but I still feel that there is some kind of key to understanding us. Maybe I'm crazy.

What I am good at is identifying my feelings, my opinions, and my flaws. And I stick to them.

I'm not your typical girl. I want to be independent, but I want someone to love and love me back. I need to make it on my own, but I do want someone there with me. I'm a vegan because I KNOW that its right. I choose not to believe everything the media and government tells me, because its all bullshit. I know I never want a normal white-collar job. I know I'm afraid of ridiculous things, but I can't help it. I know I'm loud and obnoxious, but its my honest personality. I want to be a photographer, follow my heart, and travel the world. I want so much more than being content.

I always doubt myself. In my ability to trust, love, and not get hurt. And yet I never doubt my ability to go the distance in life, to achieve my goals. Maybe my doubts are fears.

And then.

I realized that I never finished the thought to which I actually made the title of my last blog. The coincidences part. Here's where I feel like I'm trapped inside this habit of connecting everything. I feel like people I meet and characters I read about all become a part of me.

Basically, I found myself walking and reading on my way home today. And the main character of the book was the type who would do just that. I don't believe in coincidences, I believe in cause and effect.

Then of course, there's the fact that I decided I really wanted to move to London because of the culture and the style and all. Then I become addicted to British musicians and television shows. Then we watch SiCKO in economics. I don't believe this is a coincidence either - it something bigger.

And no, I'm not talking about God. I'm agnostic, for future reference/concern/etc.

I still haven't mentioned this blog to my friends. Maybe I'm afraid that they'll actually read it, maybe I'm afraid that they won't.

Cycles and So-Called Coincidences

First off, I'd like to point something out - and this probably has to do with my constant addiction to change and my severe problem with finishing things. It shouldn't, and doesn't, matter if I post five times in one day and then not at all for weeks. Maybe one day I have an excess of thoughts that I want to write down, and sometimes I have nothing I deem worthy. Same goes for length; maybe a few sentences to get my point across, but more likely than not, several paragraphs.

As we're on the subject of time anyways. It's just a unit. I feel like I'm stuck in one of those magical realism novels that we're forced to read in IB English. Like Water for Chocolate, for example. (It was one of the few books I actually read completely. Maybe it's my own form of defiance, but I don't enjoy reading books that I'm assigned.) Time in that book was cyclical, and lately I feel like I've been going through cycles that I should have picked up on by now. People say I'm observant, and I agree.

I get in habits - whether it be days, weeks, or even months - of doing certain things. Sometimes its the type (or amount) of movies i watch or books I read. I like when it feels like things are all coming together. Sometimes I like reality, sometimes I like fiction. Sometimes I like to point out how they're not all that different.

Right now I'm reading Things Change and Schindler's List. The first is about your typical high school situations. The characters are juniors and seniors, so I don't feel like I'm 'above' what they're going through. The second is about a German man who saved more Jews during the Holocaust than any other single person. I like having people to look at and think 'Damn, he did so much with his life. What am I going to do?' It makes me feel like I could be important, I just have to work at it and find my own way.

We were given our final assignment for English class this week. It's a paper (essay, though not as typically formal) on personal destinies and how you feel about fate and destiny and purpose and so on. I absolutely love the assignment - mainly because I have strong opinions (positive and negative) about everything on the list.

I guess this is where I end this rant, so as not to drag it on and on. Expect more soon, I have thoughts practically pouring out my ears at the moment.

Sinking Ships.

Well, I hate to start this post out with a television reference - because I hate tv - but like I said, I hate lost. It's ridiculous and sad, and neither in a good way. It's very much like watching a car wreck, we all are familiar with that comparison. It's horrible, and you can't take your eyes off it.

Life lately has been so wonderful. I've been high spirited, more so than ever in my life, and yet I find myself attracted to wrecks constantly. Typically people, or situations. I try to stay out of it, and can't. But it never lasts long, I always manage to slip away, thankfully.

New beginnings. I love them. I'm addicted to change, unlike many people who seem to fear it. It's not that I necessarily like the new destination, but the act of changing is what I love. New school (college) coming up. New blog (I deleted the old one). New everything. And I love it.

School time. Nothing left to do, nothing to be taught curriculum-wise. Let's see what today brings.

Hooray for the Madness...

I don't have much to write about right now. I'm crashing after a large dose of caffeine. So just to introduce myself...

I was born in 1990. Figure out my age yourself, it'll change in a couple months anyways. I'm a vegan, and have been for over 2 years. I've been vegetarian for over 4 years. I feel strongly about animal rights, and I hate when people tease me about my "diet". First - it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle. I don't wear leather either. Second - why would you tease me for something I'm so proud of? I don't get it, but I don't need to. I love, love, love, writing. However, I have such a short attention span that I never finish anything. I don't know if I could even finish a short story. I'd love to be an author, but I'd need something extreme to keep me on track. I love reading as well, memoirs lately. Augusten Burroughs and Chuck Palahniuk mainly.

I'm staring college at Syracuse University in the fall. Majoring in Photography, minoring in business - and maybe taking a second minor in fashion as well. After college I want to move to New York City or London...I haven't decided yet. Maybe a semester abroad in the UK would help me decide.

Okay, off to watch my weekly dose of Lost - I've grown to hate the show, really, but I still want to know what happens to the characters. Or what's left of them.

Updates & entries soon, I swear.